Blackbyrd (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} blackbyrd2) wrote,@ 2008-03-16 22:26:00 |
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On being broken...
To say that I have neurosis, that I'm emotionally unavailable, that I have anger issues, that I don't relate well to others, that I have "issues", is to say that the WTC towers had some concrete in them.
I'm broken, badly, and have been for so many years that I'm still figuring out how I'm broken. I haven't hardly started on why, and I certainly haven't made much headway in gluing me back together/stuffing the cogs back in the machine/figuring out what pieces I need which I don't even have, much less which pieces need fixing.
Sometimes in the night though. the voices in my head make a little headway (no pun intended, really).
Among other things, I have a boatload of guilt and regret over how things are with the kids, the things I didn't or couldn't do for them. Sometimes, in the wee hours, when I wake up and my mind is hashing this stuff over and over, I try to explain, or say what I wish I could have. Sometimes, I wonder why it was that I was this way or that way, why I didn't or couldn't say some things,...
and sometimes, in the wee hours, I figure it out.
Well, not all of it, naturally. But the pieces come together one at a time, and I make progress. It's been ten years since the divorce, and I'm capable now of sharing the blame for some things, (as opposed to taking all the blame myself) and of laying the blame for others fully at the doorstep of those responsible. I think that's been a big help.
I'm not saying I wasn't responsible for how I was. I let things be the way they were, and that's my fault, although I'm starting to figure out why I did that, too. Also? I was broken long before she got a hold of me.
Why am I posting this here without giving out all the juicy details? Because I need to talk about this, and I will, withms_issicran when I see her in a few days, and I don't want to forget about this epiphany. (Hopefully I'll remember the specifics still, come next week.)
Also, stepping around it like this allows me to lo Iook at it kind of objectively, and I want to make sure I'm being realistic, and not simply looking for a scapegoat. It's taken me ten years to allow myself to blame her (the ex) for as much as I have, and I get the impression that this is going to open a huge new load of omgwtf was I thinking, but at least it will help me get past some other parts of the wreckage, and start fixing a few more bits.
Maybe by the time I die, I'll have figured out most of the How and the Why, and even have made some reasonable progress on fixing me. OK, maybe not. But maybe I'll have a little more insight into why I am who I am, and why I do/want/need the things I do. That would be helpful. Really.
To say that I have neurosis, that I'm emotionally unavailable, that I have anger issues, that I don't relate well to others, that I have "issues", is to say that the WTC towers had some concrete in them.
I'm broken, badly, and have been for so many years that I'm still figuring out how I'm broken. I haven't hardly started on why, and I certainly haven't made much headway in gluing me back together/stuffing the cogs back in the machine/figuring out what pieces I need which I don't even have, much less which pieces need fixing.
Sometimes in the night though. the voices in my head make a little headway (no pun intended, really).
Among other things, I have a boatload of guilt and regret over how things are with the kids, the things I didn't or couldn't do for them. Sometimes, in the wee hours, when I wake up and my mind is hashing this stuff over and over, I try to explain, or say what I wish I could have. Sometimes, I wonder why it was that I was this way or that way, why I didn't or couldn't say some things,...
and sometimes, in the wee hours, I figure it out.
Well, not all of it, naturally. But the pieces come together one at a time, and I make progress. It's been ten years since the divorce, and I'm capable now of sharing the blame for some things, (as opposed to taking all the blame myself) and of laying the blame for others fully at the doorstep of those responsible. I think that's been a big help.
I'm not saying I wasn't responsible for how I was. I let things be the way they were, and that's my fault, although I'm starting to figure out why I did that, too. Also? I was broken long before she got a hold of me.
Why am I posting this here without giving out all the juicy details? Because I need to talk about this, and I will, with
ms_issicran when I see her in a few days, and I don't want to forget about this epiphany. (Hopefully I'll remember the specifics still, come next week.)Also, stepping around it like this allows me to lo Iook at it kind of objectively, and I want to make sure I'm being realistic, and not simply looking for a scapegoat. It's taken me ten years to allow myself to blame her (the ex) for as much as I have, and I get the impression that this is going to open a huge new load of omgwtf was I thinking, but at least it will help me get past some other parts of the wreckage, and start fixing a few more bits.
Maybe by the time I die, I'll have figured out most of the How and the Why, and even have made some reasonable progress on fixing me. OK, maybe not. But maybe I'll have a little more insight into why I am who I am, and why I do/want/need the things I do. That would be helpful. Really.
